You have gone to the ocean
Pacific
It seems fitting for someone
Searching so desperately for peace

I was a mess
Couldn’t sleep the night before
Still clinging
Not wanting to let go

Sudden death is loss in stages

The shock of police at the door
Saying the unimaginable

Having to leave you there
In that room
In the morgue
Surrounded by the stench of decay

Visiting your body in the funeral home
A week later and
Seeing the way it had started to
Waste and sink

But still even then
Stroking your hair
Kissing your forehead
Holding your hand
Wanting to be able
To shake you awake

Watching my children in tears
At the funeral
As what had happened
Finally hit them

Putting the lid on your coffin
Walking you to the crematorium chapel
And then
Having to walk away

Sudden death is loss in stages

In the morning
I walked from that
Little brick office
With all that was left
In a small white box

The weight of the waste
Of your life’s potential
So much heavier than
The few kilograms
In my hands

Your mother and I stood
In the wash between some rocks
With my family looking on
And let your ashes go
To the wind and the waves

She wailed, I sobbed

I woke at 4am this morning
To the shock that
There was nothing of you
Left in the world
For me to cling too

Sudden death is loss in stages

You have your
Pacific
I have the harder task
Of trying to find mine
While living

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